1. Unless we have silver hair or are a poet laureate, don’t ever call us ma’am. Try girl. Justin Timberlake has made a career out of its generous use.
2. I look like a fool in a dress if you’re in a T-shirt and jeans, but we look like a stylish couple if you add a blazer. Unrequired fanciness is the cutest thing ever.
3. Instead of calling your ex a bitch, say: “[Name] is being difficult and could act more reasonable.” Then vent by flattening some boxes for recycling. This shows restraint and a love for the environment.
4. Girls like it when you nickname them something smaller than a bread box. Chickadee. Pat of Butter. Baby Mouse. This makes us feel tiny and adorable. Space Heater and Minivan do not.
5. Quit Facebook. If I’m standing next to you, and you’re checking to see if you have any vampire bites from girls you went to camp with, something’s wrong.
6. For setting the mood: two candles, max. More than that and you’re the set decorator for Grey’s Anatomy and the whole thing seems deliberate and icky.
7. Violent statements like “If that guy keeps looking at you, I’m going to tear his head off” are appealing. (As long as you’re a quiet bookworm named Josh.)
8. If you defend a girl as “really smart when you get to know her,” she is dumb. What you mean is, she’s “really smart for a smokin’-hot girl who is stupid.”
9. Your buddy doesn’t mind receiving his new book in the Borders bag. We do. Wrap everything. Except engagement rings.
10. Women love sex tapes. Not porn — sex tapes, because scandal is titillating. If you want to trick us into watching porn, tell us the girl in it is famous and we just haven’t heard of her yet.
- Boss: hey, I am not here, I am at the house today. Not feeling well.
- Boss: cough cough
- Boss: sneeze sneeze
- Lacey: i heard you come in, weirdo
- Lacey: maybe don't be so loud next time
- Boss: damn
- Waitress: What would you like to drink?
- John Caparulo: Can I have a Coke?
- Waitress: Oh, is Pepsi okay?
- John Caparulo: Is Monopoly money okay?
- I went to the grocery store last night purely to buy 3 boxes of Crystal Light packets for work because I’m out. I accidentally left them at home. I guess I’ll be drinking plain water today. Boooring.
- I called ABC Financial to cancel my gym membership since I’m moving to Texas. They need a copy of my lease in Austin (makes sense). So I can email it or fax it right? Nope, snail mail only! Srsly? So now I have to wait at least 2 days for you to receive my mail AND it’s likely to get lost at the post office. Thanks for living in 1987, a-holes!
- Lacey: how are you and [redacted]?
- Robbie: oh...we are friends
- Lacey: friends with benefits?
- Robbie: no, my benefits are through my employer...i get vacation, health ins, and sick time
- Lacey: my boss just told me not to vote for obama because obama is a racist. so i guess i'm going to vote for mccain now
- Jason: i didn't know obama was a racist! it must be true
- Jason: which race does he hate?
- Jason: he's got a 50/50 shot of hating himself
- Jason: or, perhaps a 100% chance
- Lacey: i'm not sure, but also my boss said obama has no chance of winning
- Lacey: so i don't even know why we are even having a silly election
“I can’t believe you’re leaving!! We need to go to lunch soon before you leave”
“I’m in tears now, but congratulations and I am happy for you. I wish you the best (as you are) and much success.”
“Lacey you will be missed no doubt about that. As always be safe, adventurous and keeping learning and moving forward.”
“Awwww Lacey! I am so sad. You will for sure be missed.”
“AWW we will miss you. Who else am I gonna bug?”
“Congratulations on your move! What will we do without you?”
I must admit…it does feel good that I’m going to be missed.
“This is a very common tactic by electronics corporations these days. You purposely short stock all your stores so that you can claim they are selling out like mad.
This is no different than the original iPhone when it came out - they did the same thing. The Nintendo Wii has done it as well.
I remember the stories of all the stores being sold out of iPhones and then down the road you find out that many stores received less than 20 the first week they were selling.
This was done to hyperinflate the attention and the demand of the phone. If people think they are in short supply they will go to great lengths to get the gadget.” - Anonymous poster on this article
- Lacey: we're either going to sullivan's or wine loft or something
- Lacey: we're pretending to be classy bitches
- Jake: are y'all first going to an acting class?
- Lacey: nope....just gonna wing it
Someone I haven’t talked to in years (for a reason) just bought me over $100 worth of books from my amazon wishlist.
“Hey Glaceau, could you make your Vitamin Water caps just a little bit easier to open? I don’t think I should have to enter a strongman competition every time I want to enjoy a little Formula 50.” -Whine by Liana (via whitewhine)
I actually have this same complaint about Dasani water bottles.
- Lauren: how long is this Austin thing gonna last you think? 2 yrs, 5 yrs....?
- “This is some nasty” - Lamont Reese
- “Here we go” - Timothy Tyler Titsworth (lol @ name)
- “Feel it” - Charles Anthony Nealy
- “I can already feel it a little bit” - Charles Daniel Thacker
- “I didn’t think it would take this long.” - Brian “Red” Steckel
- “I can taste it” - Melvin Wayne White
- “I feel it” - Robert Brice Morrow
- “I fixing to pass out, I think.” - Bryan Anthony Toles
- “My arm feels cold … got some pain in my left arm. I guess that’s the poison” - Stanley Allison Baker, Jr.
There are 3 people that email me with everything they want to say in the subject of the email. Two of these are ladies at work and one is my mom. Here is the latest from a coworker (also a manager).
Sent: Tuesday, July 08, 2008 7:03 PM
Subject: i need your assistance as soon as i get in tomorrow….please make time for me i desparately need your help
The body of the email was left completely blank except for her signature. I have my theories for why they do this. 1. They really don’t understand the concept of email composition or 2. They think that if I see an email from them I will just delete it and not read the contents, therefore they try to get their whole point across in the subject line.
Is there a class that I can send them to?
- Lacey: i have a good hemoglobin level, thanks for asking
- Jake: oh no, isn't he a spiderman villain?
- Lacey: grrrr
- Lacey: it's at 14.5 g/dl
- Jake: globs per deciloogle?
- Lacey: I thought she was your HS sweetheart
- Luke: She was my HS queeffart!
I updated my theme to be more “cartoony”, however I can’t get my comments to work. Ah well, sleep beckons! Hopefully not too much else is broken.
Update on the update: Comment working!
In high school, my friend Ashley used to just put $1.50 worth of gas in her car at a time. That would not even get me out of the gas station today.
I spent my weekend in small towns. Thursday night, I stayed in Donaldsonville and watched a fireworks show. Jake is from there and showed me all 2.5 square miles of it. The grand tour took about 10 minutes, but I got to hear lots of stories about his childhood.
Saturday we drove to Pierre Part to our friend, Kevin’s camp on the river. I got to hear MORE childhood stories from Jake and his friends. It was a good laid back time.